Refusing to Grow but It's not the time for 'us' to wake up yet

If you are reading this blog there are two criteria you need to fulfill. First and foremost you have to have outgrown the halcyon, blithe and wanton days of teenage and early youth. And sadly but secondly you shall be trying hard and i mean hard enough to alter and get used to the new way of life you have always scorned and despised. After all who doesn't like digging deep into Dad's pockets and having everything within reach of a pout, a missed dinner or a couple of days of sulking. Alas! such were the bygone days.

If you think you are associating somewhere or you are one of those types who are extra cautious and want to know all well in advance, you can move ahead. For Cynics..you very well know what is next to my ring finger and for all others..its not the time yet for you. So chill and bask till the wind and sun brush your shoulders gently.

So why the sudden revelation?? And more importantly what is the exact purpose salting this fresh wound?

Well....To go on it is no revelation at all. The last month of NALSAR made me realise that it was beginning of an end or beginning of yet another beginning. I knew that insouciance was soon to be replaced by a terse, methodical and forcefully responsible way of life. But Hell!!!! Those were my last days in college and such worries and concerns had absolutely no significance. Life was to be lived precisely and time was slipping fast much like the last bits of sand rolling down my palms. The break at home was a pleasant one. Nothing much to do but few stupid tests to clear and before time would allow me to do some thinking and getting prepared, i found myself buying formals and packing my luggage for Delhi. And Here I am today..Working for a little close to six months, having distant dreams of old school and college days and slowly inching towards submission to a destiny am not yet aware of. Life has taken a turn.

So why am i here pricking the scab? Frankly speaking there is no wound now. The sense of independence and responsibility for your actions is overwhelming. On a slightly more serious note, tax planning and investments have brought with them a new form of imprisonment. A new Red Light Board which no longer says NALSAR (With a broken S or A..Courtesy..Ah!!! Forget it). It says ZILCH. And that is because i don't know how the prison is from inside. Atleast the former one had its posts determinate for five years and i was the guard up the tower watching down the 'Panopticon'.

So life has changed. But the basic question is Have I? And here 'I' is no longer singular. It stands for all of us who are on thresholds, who are walking down the road but can still turn back and see the bend where they are still frozen. This is for all of us who are moving but refusing to let go and for all such comrades of mine..Believe me..Life can wait. Just don't push yourself so hard. Its not time to Wake up Yet.

And here I am Back...Still 18 year old.

There has to be a reason behind everything one does and there sure is one before why am i sitting here at 1 a.m in morning when i have an office tomorrow and attempting something i have never done before. Never for once did i intend to start blogging but here i am enroute this blog road.

So why am i exactly here? What do i seek? And why blogging is a solution to 'it'? Such many questions fume and spin in my head. I haven't tried to answer them in a hope that with certain time, patience and lot of neglect, they will eventually fade away. But they haven't. Though i have successfully managed to sleep pill them for durations bordering to dormancy. But yes, they have never died and that is why i am here today, scribbling or precisely typing the monotonous and repetitive humdrum my mind has become so used to.

What was i doing? It's no philosophical question and i don't intend to put it theologically either. As a matter of fact it is a simplistic attempt to arrive at the root cause of any damn action. What did i actually do? What did i actually think or how i persuaded myself to abstain from thinking? What hidden feelings did i arouse or which cultural conditioning or force or whatever shit forced me to realise the folly? The innate folly. The diehard attempt to suppress truth.

What is it that has moved me so much that am actually blogging? And that is why i ask myself what was i doing right now on this stretch of time. Not a hard question to answer. Is it? I just watched a plain documentary, rambled on phone for a while, saw some old pics., mailed a friend, thought of reading and heard the whistles and 'lathi' bumpings of the guard in the stillness of winter nights in delhi. Pretty routine. So what is it? Why am i here?

I guess i have a vague idea. Am not sure to commit though. Maybe my sleep would help me to stabilise the reeling thoughts. Maybe i will have an answer. Till then adieu. Lets see if i come back.